Tuesday, January 25, 2011

You're All Invited To a Pity Party

The following is an excerpt from an Facebook message I received yesterday from one of my dear high school friends

Darling Tan,
I am so proud of you, I read your blog every day when I turn my computer on, and I tell my friends all about your adventures. My best friend and sister in law Gill is passioante about native studies and they are interested in moving up north one day, so she finds things particularly fascinating!
I just keep feeling so humbled by your posts. I read them and think, I could never do that. I would be so resentful, and it would affect everyone around me. But you do it with such grace, and share your stories and your struggles with us, and it's an amazing living testimony. It challenges me every day to appreciate what I have, and to share more each day with those who go without. My Matt is always reminding me of that. :) I adore my husband. I never thought God would have such a perfect, generous, selfless mate for me. I make him sound perfect, and he's not, but he's perfect for me! He is very excited about the baby. I hardly think about it! Most of the time I forget until someone reminds me. I've been totally fine, no sickness, (sorry!) and feel no different really at all. I guess taht's what makes it all feel so surreal. Claire is 6 wks ahead of us, we're due July 4, she's May 15. She emails me each week where we;re at, what size teh baby is, I woulnd't know otherwise! I keep getting embarassed when someone asks me and I always say 4 mths. haha.. I'm mostly worried about how my life will change. Having a baby at 33 is different! I'm so independent, do my own thing, and I keep reminding myself that having a bab will help me to learn about the selfless and loving sacrifical nature of Christ. That's the only thing I'm really excited about - learning that lesson. Oh boy! Big lesson..
So that's where we're at. Life is good, we are so rich even though we don't have a lot of money, or a house yet. We have great friends, family, fab job, and a super relaitonship with God. What else do we need?
Please keep updating us my dear, God will use you mightily out there it seems. We pray for you, please post more pics of you, Brian and the boys, and the house of course. I love reading about it all.
Love em xxxx

Alright so this isn't an excerpt, it's actually the whole thing.  I didn't include this message to toot my own horn or to divulge all of Em's life circumstances.  I included it for a few reasons.

1)  This message brought tears to my eyes when I read it.  
2)  I was happy to hear all about Emily's life, her husband, her great news and her wonderful and peaceful outlook on life.  She is content and we can all learn from that.
2)  I was encouraged by Emily's message.  It turns out that after reading this message yesterday, I ended up having a bit of a meltdown (NOT because of the message NO NO NO, because of what happened yesterday).  I ended up having my very own pity party.  Then, I couldn't help but feel like a fraud.  People have sent messages, written cards and have told me verbal compliments similar to those Emily wrote in her message.  And here I am writing all about all kind of stuff when really, sometimes, I neglect to write about how I really feel or of who I really am sometimes.  I am far from being a saint.  I am resentful sometimes.  I lose my patience with my kids.  I feel sorry for myself.  Yesterday I didn't feel quite right.  Emotionally.  I was shaky and anxious and on edge.  I tried to keep a low profile but things didn't go "my way" (BTW, as of last night I am determined to be disciplined in taking my Vitamin D and I purchased a therapeutic light today on sale from the Sears catalogue).  All I really wanted to do yesterday was to prepare a nice meal for my family in advance so that I could go to my exercise class and then to the craft store to buy fur.  Well guess what?  I got a call from Brian telling me that I couldn't go to my class because he was waiting for a call at work (therefore he couldn't be home with the kids).  They had been sitting there for 3 hours WAITING for this call.  This is not a busy detachment. but lately if feels as though when things come up, it's often me who has to sacrifice.  I wasn't impressed.  It's a daily exercise class but I hadn't been since last Monday due to school cancellations and Brian's work.  Brian's response to my being a little snippy was less than empathetic (feeling of I-can't-do-anything-about-it-so-deal-with-it).  I bawled.  I sat there and cried while my boys ran crazy around me.  In my stubborness I packed the boys, at suppertime, and we walked to Leonie's store in -50 degree weather (younger 2 in the stroller but Ben had to walk) because there was no way I was going to cancel this.  Well there's nothing like hauling 100 lbs in freezing weather to cool a temper.  And I thank Jesus for that since when we got home, Brian was home having a snack before returning to work.  So the boys and I ate my nice supper and I got them ready for bed.  When Brian got home I didn't know how to act.  I couldn't take it out on him because he was right.  It wasn't his fault.  This was MY problem, MY attitude, MY party (everybody sing it with me "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to...).  Yet I was mad.  I couldn't help it.  Brian and I didn't exchange many words.  He dove into the dishes and washed every single last one of them (and there were many).  It took him all night- his only true free time of the day.  He may not have been very understanding earlier in the day but without saying a word, by his actions, I knew he understood.  This was him saying "I know you've had a long day, here's a break".  Today I had to miss my exercise class AGAIN for the same reason.  Brian and his partner came over for my nice dinner and rushed off back to work (they are still there and it's 9pm).  Today was different however.  Today my expectations were lower and today, Brian called me 2 or 3 times to give me updates.  A number of things have been going through my mind all day.  The first being the following verses from Ephesians chapter 5

Instructions for Christian Households
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

While I hope you read the whole passage to get the big picture I highlighted the main points that keep reeling in my head.  While I'm no stranger to these verses and while Brian and I have always tried to model our marriage after these verses, today I realized an important truth regarding them.  While Brian would never be a tyrant and make me be submissive to him personally, I do however, need to learn to be more submissive to his job.  Unpredictability is the nature of his job and I need to try not to make him feel bad when things come up because it really isn't his fault.  We are a team and I need to support him and respect him (and his job).  We both have a job to do, but it just so happens that the pay for mine is terrible at times...  And yet at other times, I get all the perks...   

The last thing I will leave you with is an adapted quote from Emily's message that I loved and it sings truth for Brian and I as well:  Brian isn't perfect, but he's perfect for me!  All is well in Coral Harbour.

Now to do the dishes.  Yuck.  On the other hand, nah.  Maybe I'll go exercise instead... 

1 comment:

  1. I've so been there! (Not Nunavut there, the "I wanted to do something when you got home, but you didn't get home on time, and I'm mad even though I know you didn't do it on purpose" thing.) Thank you for sharing. Mike's not perfect either, but he's perfect for me. Enjoy your exercise... or dishes, as the case may be.